Create the type of Rest you need

Nourish and restore your connections this winter

The saying goes, “a change is as good as a rest”, and the winter holiday is definitely a break from the norm. It often involves the family unit spending more time together, and possibly with visiting commitments to the wider family which may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But does it feel restful?

As a parent there can be a lot to hold to be in keeping with whatever family traditions you’ve come to enjoy, and it can feel anything but restful. There can be a tendency to put on the blinkers, stay task orientated, and ignore the need for self-care and connection. Until the moment comes when you crash and want nothing more than pure vegetation.

This then ends up being a need for recovery from overwork, rather than an embracing of all the nourishing ways we can spend time as a family together.

You can end up physically tired out from running around, never stopping and being always on the go.

Your mind can be overloaded with organising so much.

You can be emotionally low from constantly navigating children’s struggles and/or from neglecting your own needs.

Aside from crawling into a dark hole, aka bed, for the entirety of the holiday, or distraction with yet more tasks or screens, how about really considering what kind of rest you really need and inviting it in?

What type of rest do you need?

Does your body need to just stop and let the tension melt away? Think massage, bath and meditation.

Does your mind need a break from never-ending organisation? Think walking in nature, reading a good book, gentle instrumental music or joining a class where someone else is taking the lead.

It may be both physical and mental rest we need, however, when you’ve been surrounded by the intense emotions of children and denying yours, your nervous system has been activated to the point of overstimulation and you can feel shattered beyond anything physical and mental. In this instance, think phone-a-friend, (the non-judgemental listening type), going for a brisk walk or run, having a dance to some favourite tunes or singing out at the top of your lungs to allow that release.

Without creating space for rest in the run up to Christmas day, Christmas dinner could be the first moment you sit down and feel that sense of relaxation and genuine connection. At this point you might feel the tears welling up from exhaustion rather than gratitude.

Tears are a great way to release the tension, they contain the destructive stress hormone, cortisol, so are always better out than in. If you can feel the tension rising, schedule in a walk or shoulder to shed the tears before they spill out when you least expect it.

What type of rest do you want?

My ideal rest is creating some separation from the demands of the outside world and nestling in to enjoy connecting with my family. Board games, favourite TV, (Ghosts!), delicious meals, and interesting conversations.

However, it may be that in the busyness of the lead up, there may not have been time to properly connect with the children and be fully aware of where they’re at. Maybe they’re not interested in the things you want to do to connect. Perhaps you’ve been all too aware of their apprehensions but it was all too easy to leave them to their own devices and avoid the subject, and now the disconnect is almost palpable.

It could be as simple as taking a moment to hear what’s going on for them. Really listen without interruption. In fact, listen in silence and only speak to reflect back their own words so they can really feel heard. It may be that they really don’t want to do that family visit, or say thank you, or pretend they like something they don’t. Once they’ve genuinely got everything out they want you to know about their experience and preferences, only then can you respond.

There may be a clear way forward to help meet your child’s needs, or it may be that you choose to honour your child’s need in another way by expressing how you understand, and that their experience is important to you, however, this is something we will be doing, and how can we help to make it as easy as possible for you? Find the comfort within the discomfort.

Often the anxiety can be about stepping outside of their comfort zone. In this case, check whether it’s edgy but do-able, or tipping into the danger-zone.

Navigating multiply needs, including yours!

It’s a challenge as a parent having multiply needs to satisfy, and it may not always be possible to do so. What is possible though, is to make efforts towards helping your child know how important their needs are to you. If it feels like too much of a stretch for them then they may not be in a position to understand how it is for you, so it’s not appropriate to demand that they empathise with your position.

In among all the unusual events of the Christmas holiday, there needs to be respect to how the children need their restoration as well. Play is often a big one, or simply being free of other people’s demands.

As a rule of thumb, I try to remember to “Go for the Connection”, because everything flows with much greater ease when the connection is present. The number one magic first ingredient being self-connection.

Give yourself some space to become aware of where you’re at. How are you feeling? What is it you really need and want right now? This is a form or self-empathy, and until you have given yourself that kindness, interactions and solutions are likely to be disjointed, disappointing and difficult.

In my experience, the best rest is gained from a point of connection. For everything becomes easeful with a jolly good helping, and the Christmas break can be just the pause needed for this reconnection.

Pause. Reconnect, Rest, Restore.