How to Check-in with Yourself... and Avoid a Home-ed Mum Melt-down

It’s likely that you check-in with your children to track where they’re at emotionally. Here’s how I learned to extend that care to myself.

Taking a moment to orientate ourselves is a form of self-care. It grows self-awareness and leads expands capacity so that we can manage what comes up, and to do the things that we love.

It’s easy to let the day roll on, ever present to the needs of the children, attending to whatever arises, from insightful questions to practical support to conflict transformation. It’s also easy to forget to factor in our own needs, miss the warning signs and suddenly become distracted or even snappy. There comes a point when a simple request can tip us over the edge.

Avoiding a mum melt down can be as quick and easy as the time it takes to go to the toilet. We can use certain cues to press the pause button, cues such as shoulders tensing, breath holding, complaining, or wanting to criticise.

Going to the toilet is one way I found to effectively press pause and create the space for a self-check-in, other things I’ve tried include a one tune dance break, making a snack and creating emoji cards so we can do together as a group activity. Basically, something has the power to change the energy of the moment and allow a moment of introspection.

Find a way to insert a pause and ask yourself these 4 simple questions:

1. Where am I now?

This question applies to both your outer and inner environment.

Looking around at things in your environment is a strategy to avoid slipping into our primitive brain functioning whose primary goal is protection. This fight, flight, fib or fawn mechanism can come into play due to tiredness, excess noise, high demands, too much coffee or not enough nutrition. Any situation that is a threat to survival. Conflict is the obvious one and often a frequent occurrence in a home-ed family home, as well as compassion fatigue from supporting an anxious child.

It also helps to acknowledge whether your inner landscape is currently feeling spacious and open to more, or if it feels full to the brim and could do with emptying in a gentle loving manner.

Orientating yourself in time and space has the power to sooth your nervous system, and it may be just enough to help you realise that you need to press pause or step away before things escalate.

2. What am I doing?

Notice the action you are currently engaged in, and the words you are saying, both explicitly and implicitly. It can be surprising to note what baseline assumptions we are working from. Notice if what you are saying and doing match your current thoughts. If they are misaligned it may feel like you are working against the grain and experiencing friction.

Are you engaged in ‘should thinking?’ Where have these expectations come from? Yourself? Your family? Your culture? If they are not serving you, can you let them go?

Accessing your power of choice, how would you like to show up in this moment? Not only for your children, but for yourself as well.

3. How am I feeling?

Appreciate that you are feeling tense, tired, fed-up or full. Notice where you may be feeling these as sensations in your body. What could you do to honour these feelings? Is it enough to self-acknowledge? Would you like to share this information with your children if it feels appropriate? Do you need to speak to a friend?

Ask yourself if this is typical or out of character for this time of day, week, or month?

4. What do I really want right now?

Is this a one off relating to a random late night, illness, recent conflict, extra demand? If so, a short-term solution may be all that’s needed right now.

Is it a recurrent issue? Always happening at the same time? How could you factor in self-care at this time each day/week/month?

Or does this feel like it’s been accumulating? Day after day becoming progressively more depleted, experiencing added tension, and dwindling capacity?

Acknowledging what you really need as a home-ed mum can sometimes be disheartening, especially if you can’t see a solution at hand. Even if it seems impossible to get what you’d really love right now, what would be one step towards that?

I like to step outside for a breath of fresh air, or to sit and actually drink the tea I’ve made, whilst it’s still hot! I consider that a step towards including myself if the care package I dish out. It doesn’t seem like much but filling my actual teacup helps me to fill my metaphorical teacup! It helps me to regain the capacity I need to be the mum I want to be.

Avoiding a mum melt-down can be as simple as pressing the pause button and asking yourself 4 questions;

1. Where am I?

2. What am I doing?

3. How am I feeling?

4. What do I really want right now?

Regularly inserting self-check-ins throughout your day raises your self-awareness and means you get to be included within the care you dish out for your family. It avoids a downward spiral and helps keep you resourced so you can give joyfully with ease.

I love helping other home-ed mums find space for themselves. As a herbalist, I also create bespoke herbal tonics to soothe and re-energise. Get in touch if you'd like to work with me!